Intentional Insights: Q&A From Within by S. Kelley Harrell

Observation is Action

Kelley, My husband has PTSD and major clinical depression. I've been married to him for 15 years. It takes a lot of my energy just to live with him. Living without him would be hard, too, especially financially. What do I do? L.

Thank you for your note, L. All signs point to observe. If he is not actively in therapy, it is appropriate for him to be. When I see his life force it is an enormous flame, which indicates to me that he is too active in his higher chakras (in his mind). He is in dire need of mental, emotional, and psychological soothing, and that is not something you can provide. You have tried, to the point of your own detriment. There is a myth in our culture that as life partners, we are and should be obligated to provide every ounce of support to our significant other. The reality is, that kind of fishbowl support burns out more relationships than it sustains. If that has been the case, it has to change. When a loved one is dealing with deep trauma, as he is, the insight and skill of a trained professional are required. No significant other can carry that load; no significant other should have to. For the balance to shift between you, both must see the value in finding an objective third person in whom he can confide, or you have to elect to make the changes in your life that you need for yourself. Sure, in relationships we weather the worst of each other. But we must also relish the best of each other, and that has not sustained your joining for some time. You cannot control him or direct him in self care. All you can do is make the suggestions.

If he is already in therapy and not making progress, perhaps it's time for a switch, or for you to start making plans independently of him.

There are many styles of therapy, many approaches.  It is time for him to do something, or to do something different; again, forcing him will do no good.

It's also imperative for you to decide your reasons for staying in this relationship. If compassionate coexistence can no longer be honored by you, you are doing neither of you favors by staying together. If you are genuinely vested in staying, changes will be required on your part, as well. While his conditions have created friction in the relationship, the dynamic that has developed has been a joint endeavor. Be very honest with yourself about what you want from this relationship, and clearly discern if you are already finished. Sometimes it's amazing what progress can be made from merely gathering more info.

Be well, L!

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Saturn Loves Libra Loves Shadow

I read your story on what Saturn gave you.  It really touched me. I am a September Libra, and as you know, I now have Saturn in Libra. Any Insights? Linda

Thanks for writing, Linda. Your concern is duly noted. I have a Libra moon, which is curiously productive and stabilizing, and is now insisting that I value and be authentic in relationships. I never thought I'd turn to the Sun for shade. Along that line, in Libra, Saturn's focus is relationships and how they are an extension of ourselves. The usual indecisiveness attributed to Libras is more balanced and manageable. In Libra, what weights the other end of the scale is our 'shadow' self, our Other we rarely if ever talk about.

It is this facet of self that has the most emphasis for you during this Saturn-Libra dance.

To do this reading I call in your guides, who show me a triangulated dynamic that is the focus of the next three years. What I see is your earthly consciousness, another woman, and a man. The other woman in the dynamic is furious at the man, who doesn't feel like he is completely in the formed world. If he isn't, he is an attachment dominating your energy and you should seek depossession help. If he is in the formed world, he is not physically present or active in your life, as his essence is barely rooted here. He feels to be a man who hurt you badly, if not one that has already died. At any rate, this other woman is your shadow.

To get specific insight into this dynamic, I call in the big gun, himself, the spirit of Saturn. His presence is leaden, but not in a heavy, cumbersome way. Rather, he is solid, reliable, dependable. I ask him what the primary focus is for you during this time, and he emphasizes shadow work. I ask him how shadow is represented in this triad. He says, "The shadow is light." Lovely metaphor, but he literally means that in this era of Saturn, it is appropriate for your more controlled, subdued conscious approach to life to take a backseat to your real, primal truth, which is screaming, "Run for the hills!" where the connection with this man is concerned. This man feels like a slow bleed, perhaps so slowly that you're not aware just how toxic his energy is in your life. On a conscious level you have tolerated his mild annoyance, maybe even enabled him to some degree. What I see is that on a conscious level, you have achieved intellectual peace with his misdeeds, but at an unconscious level visceral parts of yourself are still hurting, raw, and very angry. That kind of split is common in wound dynamics. We do what we have to do to find peace day-to-day. Saturn is holding your hand in an effort to help you find a deeper peace, for all time. Shedding this relationship is the primary focus of the next few years. I feel that the real challenge for you isn't in letting the man go, but in healing the parts of you he's affected, and letting go of habits, crutches you've created to sustain living with the energy drain that he has been.

You are up to the task. In doing this reading I drew a card from The Wise Woman's Tarot. The card is the Seven of Wands, represented in this mythos by the female warrior Scathach, the Scottish "Shadowy One." Her message is that yes, you are under attack, and you are up to the task of victory.

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Love and Light, Bless Your Heart

"Be Impeccable With Your Word." Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

"Bless whatever you can with eyes and hands and tongue. If you can't bless it, get ready to make it new." Marge Piercy, What are Big Girls Made of?

Bless your heart. It's a Southern staple, old and rife with colorful implications. Although commonly heard, it's an expression that I never found authenticity in; thus, I forewent using. Several years ago I had an experience that solidified my thoughts of it, and of the necessity of differentiating between judging people and their behaviour, and honoring shadow truth. With thoughts of word choice and how we use them at the fore, this feature isn't intended for young readers

I never liked the expression. It was too Southern, too religious, too... pitifully cloying, disempowering. In reality, I've rarely heard it used with sincerity. Most often it's insinuated into an off-color remark, such as, "She shouldn't be wearing those pants, bless her heart," or "Bless his heart, I can't believe he spent money on that." An expression of righteous indignation, the judgemental piety somehow transmutes the fact that its heart is an insult. Ever the wordsmith, that twisted intent never set well with me.

As I began my own lessons in speaking and discerning truth, and learning not to judge, I re-examined the phrase. While not necessarily religious, it should be uplifting. It should be kind and inspiring. It should be a reminder that 'they' are no different from 'us,' such that the speaker and recipient walk away from the exchange better than they entered. As it stood, the expression was a dead metaphor; no one seemed to remember its original reverence.

My cause to avenge clearly laid out, I began voicing the affirmation. I specifically used it in situations that challenged my truth, such that I genuinely intended a wish of Universal improvement to the situation, the person, the ailment.  Then I made a disturbing observation. Whenever I said, "Bless his heart," the response of those around me was to snipe about the person/situation, or to chastise me for speaking ill. I discovered that the phrase was so badly misused and misunderstood, that even when used with high intent it was poorly perceived. Because the words had long been so carelessly bandied about, no one recognized my heart-centered use.  It was perceived as just more glib gab. The reaction of my "community" left me wondering if I perhaps I didn't understand that the phrase was meant to be double entendre, and that any commentary on ill-behaviour or situation is judgmental regardless of honorable intent. I thought my cause was lost.

A year ago I was working with a long-term client, a gifted Reiki Master who has observably immense compassion. We were engaged in a fairly deep conversation on his experience of recently being hurt by someone.  His perspective toward the offending person was intensely stirring and radically calm, which is in keeping with his overall passionate but gentle disposition. In his closing assessment of the altercation, he held up his hand in the Reiki beaming position and said, "I just said, 'Love and light, motherfucker. Love and Light.'"

My initial reaction was muted laughter. After working together for years, we'd spoken candidly, comfortably. Despite that, his northern need to romanticize my southern gentility most often pre-empted colorful interaction; read, he was more embarrassed than I was. Yet, when he said those words, I understood that was his "bless his heart." My quest on speaking with intent clarified.

I realized that there is implied assessment in honoring someone after reproach, not for no reason. We must be able to distinguish behaviours that support our truth and those that do not. That distinction can be made without judgment. There is a huge difference between saying, "You hurt me and that was unacceptable," and saying, "You hurt me and you're a bad person." Likewise, we must be able to express anger when our truth is not honored. For most of us that expression comes in the form of potent speech. However expression is manifest, remember that it's needed. What is stuck creates imbalance inside and outside. Recall as well, that once voiced, words can't be taken back. Speak truth.

We must be able to bless, without damning, what we don't like. On some level we are all acting in our best capacity. That recognition doesn't mean have no boundaries. It doesn't mean be a doormat, and does not offer license to be mean to someone who has offended. It means cultivate the ability to send love and light to what angers or hurts us most. Don't overlook its true nature, which may have no one's best interest in mind at all. Be aware of it, step away from it, bless it, and don't become it. The challenge is to find the means of interacting with shadow dynamics without falling prey to our own. This isn't news. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." "An it harm none, do what ye will."

In the end it isn't about judging the behaviour of others, but what we can honor within our own actions when we've been offended. It's about our intentions, regardless of the words coming out of our mouths. I use the phrase copiously now, as a self-check when I'm really annoyed about something, with the hope that my intentions for "blessing" someone might help them in some way, and with the hope that I may be a trendsetter, yet.

Indeed, love and light. Bless your heart.

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Intentional Insights is a Q&A column inviting you to look inside yourself. If you have a question that you would like for me to address in my column regarding a brief Soul Reading or questions about spiritual healing and shamanism, please send them to me at Kelley at soulintentarts dot com, or contact me to schedule a full-length Soul Reading. Intentional Insights is a production of Soul Intent Arts. Follow me on Facebook and Twitter!