Talking About Sex with Your Daughter by Bendis

When and how do we teach our daughters about sexuality?  Is this something about which we can have conversation? How do we begin?

Conversations with your daughter about sexuality are easy if conversation is easy.  If there is openness to listening about any subject, she will never hesitate to bring it to you. If, when she comes to you with something, when you are always open and receiving and do not act shocked or horrified when she does, she will trust her thoughts and feelings with you.  Young girls need to trust that their mother’s reactions will be calm and non-reactional and that what they have on their mind is something they can always share with you.  You cannot expect to have easy conversation about sex if you cannot talk about other things easily. There is a relationship of trust built from day one that will lead to open and honest communication.

My girls are grown now and I know there are many things I could have done better as a mother.  The one thing I know I did well was in building trust with them and in having the assurance that they could talk with me and, that I could talk with them, about anything.

I did not want my daughters to have the experiences I had with my early sexual partners.  I wanted them to know their own bodies.  I wanted them to be comfortable in exploring their bodies and in learning what gave them pleasure.  I wanted them to understand that it was always their choice when to experience the sexual pleasure and that they were responsible for their own orgasms.

Giving and receiving pleasure with another requires a deep level of intimacy.  We must learn to trust the other person with our bodies.  We must be willing to show them what gives us pleasure and be open to them sharing with us what pleases them.  We cannot do that if we ourselves do not know and are not comfortable with that knowledge.

I was twenty-five years old when I had my very first orgasm with my husband.  We had been married over five years.  He did not know anything about a woman’s body and I did not know about my own body.  They did not teach us about things like that when I was growing up.  Certainly, my mother did not teach me and yet, it was to my mother that I turned when I realized that something was amiss in my sexual experience.  She recommended a book and I read it.  It was very straightforward and I practiced just as the book instructed and hey, it took no time at all.  I just needed to know about my body, and how to have an orgasm! So I learned! Once I knew, I could share with my husband and our intimate life improved.

A young woman should not have to wait that long, certainly not five years plus into a marriage.  The hurt and misunderstanding that occurred with what we considered my sexual “problems” never really worked themselves out but then, there were other issues were present.

I was watching the Oprah show the other day.  I am glad I did because there was a discussion going on between Oprah, a couple of other women and a man and they were discussing what girls should be told and what not.  I was so amazed at the outrage a couple of them expressed when Oprah suggested that girls needed to be taught about their own bodies!  There clearly was a double standard shown at the idea of girls masturbating.  “Oh, everyone knows that boys do that, but, oh, no, not girls!  Girls should not do that.”  Oprah was straightforward about it but not the others.  I found myself yelling at the television!

Girls need guidance in learning about their bodies.  They need to know what works, what feels good and what does not.  They need to know how to give themselves orgasms.  They need to know that it is perfectly normal to explore and to masturbate.  They will not go blind; they will not ruin their chances for a normal sex life later. They need to know they are responsible for their own pleasure.  They can learn this from their mothers or from a good book.  Personally, I think the good book is best because privacy is important.  They will appreciate the book and not be embarrassed.   Learning that they can have an orgasm without sexual intercourse frees them to say no when feeling pressured into sex with a boy.  They need to know that they can be out with a boy and not have to have sex when they do not wish it, even if they become aroused.  It is good for them to know they can come home and satisfy themselves until such a time, as they are ready to share intimately with someone else.

It can be very hard to talk about sex with our daughters.  Even today, when I am in a discussion about sex with either of my daughters, who are both in their forties, I tend to hold back a bit, wondering just how much I wish to talk about or reveal.  I am not sure why that is! Perhaps it is an old-fashioned reserve; a line between too much said between mother and daughter.  I do know, however, that when I know their sex lives are good, I am happy for them!

If all you can do is present her with that book – do it!  Be sure to tell her when you hand it to her, that you are willing to talk about any part of it, if they wish that.  Be sure she can identify what all of the different parts are in her most private of places and how they function.  Get a picture that clearly shows everything.  Talk to her about what happens during sexual arousal.  If she understands how everything works, then she can experiment on her own.

Consider this as one more gift you can give your daughter!

Blessings,

Bendis