Mercury: Minor Master of Major Mojo by Drusilla Bivalve

Mercury: Minor Master of Major Mojo

By Drusilla Bivalve

            I caught up with Mercury last night, and let me tell you, it took some running. He’s not easy to catch up to! He’s the god of transportation, exchanges, communications, and a host of other duties, and he’s constantly on the move. So when I spotted him driving his flower delivery route, I caught a ride on the truck and took a moment to ask him some questions.

Drusilla: Tell me, Mercury, how’d you become the go-to guy for Olympus?

Mercury: You know how it goes in big organizations, Drusilla. There’s always a lot to do, and boys at the boardroom table, you know, the gods of the sky, the ocean and the underworld, think it’s beneath their dignity to get off their butts and deliver messages. Those jobs go to the guy with the pocket protector, right? So after my first big delivery, a steak dinner with all the trimmings, Big Daddy-o asked me to take on the Olympian delivery route. It spun out from there.

Drusilla: And your popularity hasn’t waned at all! Is that why you have so many names and jobs?

Mercury: Somebody’s got to do regular interface with the public! Most of the gods only want to show up for the cha-ching moments – wars, coronations, natural disasters – stuff like that. I’m the day-to-day liaison. People know me better, so I kept collecting nicknames, not to mention a lot of credit.

Drusilla: How do you keep up?

Mercury: I swapped my winged shoes for supersonic Nikes.

Drusilla: Is that what keeps you young?

Mercury: Hey, I’m the poor puer boy of Olympus. Got an image to maintain, gottta keep up with trends and stuff. I’m not the only one, though - come on, look at Dick Clark! He probably gets dipped in brine every night. But he keeps up with all the new music, new styles and sounds. And you can’t deny it keeps him youthful. That’s the trick, see? The minute a person stops jammin’ to new music, they go to geezerville fast. New music is the anti-wrinkle skin cream of the gods.

Drusilla: So why did you hang out with the medieval alchemists?

Mercury: It probably sounds crazy now, but back then wizard chic was cutting edge! They were boiling up all these chemicals, blowing things up and getting whacked on the fumes. They had all these symbols and secret devices and stuff. You know I take a keen interest in writing, right? Secret handshakes and decoder rings? And once the Inquisition got rolling, it was fun watching them do a dash in the middle of the night. You’d be amazed at how those guys got around. Now it’s all grown up and scientific and shit, but back then it was da bomb.

Drusilla: You really like being where the action is. Can you tell me a bit about the wand thing?

Mercury: Yeah, sure. The spin docs on Olympus don’t let Hades out much. His black robe-and-skull thing is such a downer, and he’s still pissed he got stuck with death. But after people shove off the mortal coil, they tend to wander. It’s not like there’s a gas station where you can get a map to the afterlife. So Hades gave me the caduceus so I could load ‘em up on the magic bus and haul ‘em down to Charon’s boat dock.

Drusilla: If the caduceus is a death thing, why is it a symbol of the medical profession?

Mercury: Probably because they’re major contributors. You know what Pliny the Elder said was on all those grave stones in Rome – “a gang of doctors killed me.” Not much has changed.

Drusilla: So you rule both doctors and thieves?

Mercury: Hey, babe, it’s efficient! I’ve got both daylight and nighttime robbery covered.

Drusilla: What about your phallic associations?

Mercury: Somebody got the bright idea to put a statue to me in the center of a marketplace because I’m in charge of transactions and exchanges. So I nudged the artist’s hand so I’d have a really impressive wanger. It’s a sign of fertility, right? Everyone’s on board with fertility. More for everybody, and it keeps the ladies smiling. It caught on.

Drusilla: Did that lead to being a hermaphrodite?

Mercury: Drusilla, babe! I’m an immortal teen-ager! I was experimenting, you know? Trying to find myself? So I grew some boobs and tubes. But it got old fast. There were too many wardrobe problems, and it raised eyebrows and other naughty bits in the men’s dressing room at Olympus. That Ares is quite a swinger, and he doesn’t get that no means no. Ouchy-poo.

Drusilla: So you’re all about fads, huh?

Mercury: I got the Look, the ‘Tude, and the slammin’ slang. I go from ibis to I-pods. Twitter me beautiful, babe.

Drusilla: If your jobs are so important, what’s the deal with Mercury retrogrades?

Mercury: Let me repeat myself: I’m a teenager, Dru. Teen-agers are slackers once in a while, right? So three or four times a year, things get screwed up. Planes are late, servers break down, faxes and Xerox machines jam, wires get crossed, appointments get forgotten or postponed, whatever. It makes people think a bit harder, makes ‘em sweat a bit, makes ‘em grateful when they finally get things work properly, and generally keeps things interesting. And it keeps me on the calendar, too! Like my man Oscar Wilde said, notoriety is better than obscurity.

Drusilla: But you get blamed for everything!

Mercury: Getting into trouble is easy-peasy, but getting out of it takes real skill. That earthquake in Haiti was a total frame-up! I happened to be hanging in Pluto’s man cave when he got into it with old Fossil Face. Fingers were pointing at me, in spite of the fact that everyone knows that Pluto and Neptune are in charge of earthquakes. So let me set the record straight here: the bitch-fest between Pluto and Saturn was going on before I got there. I was an innocent bystander.

Drusilla: What’s up with that?

Mercury: You haven’t heard? They’re lining up for the massive Cardinal Square in the summer of 2010. This is just the start of it. Things are gonna get tense. I’ve planned my retrograde so I’m out of the line of fire when this thing gets hot. I’d suggest you do the same.

Drusilla: What’s the Cardinal Square about?

Mercury: Long standing grudges and turf wars, babe. Saturn wants to redevelop his little corner of Tartarus, and Pluto is all fussed about hedging and credit crack-ups and trillion-dollar deficits and shit. You know, Dru, he’s been fed a lot lately, what with the war in Iraq and the big tsunami in oh-six. And when he gets fed, he gets arrogant. And he knows Saturn is jonesing to nail his plutocratic ass with some major regulatory body slams. Just wait ‘til Big Daddy-o Jupiter blasts into town! He’s doing a mass cultural movement deal with Uranus, and they’re launching the beta in May and June. It’s gonna be like a monster truck mash, the blue sky guys versus the deep-down-under dudes.    

Drusilla: It sounds bad.

Mercury: Apollo and I have been warning people for years, but people spin on their thumbs and wait for somebody else to save the world. They could do an intervention, but oh, no! They’d rather sit on the sidelines and watch a throw-down between thunderbirds and winged monkeys.

Drusilla: Pluto’s that bad, huh?

Mercury: You have no idea. The legends don’t even get close.

Drusilla: Why don’t you tell us about it?

Mercury: I might have to deliver his stiffs, but he needs to get his own PR team. He set the entourage standard with his army of evil minions, after all. I’ve got other stuff to do.

Drusilla: You’ve got big plans for 2010?

Mercury: Oh, you know, telecom stuff, new gizmos, zipless f*cks. Some black-outs and shut downs in the spring. But depending on my intel grabs, I might throw in some juicy scandal mongering. With the big guys duking it out, it’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel! Pluto’s not the only one with skeletons in this closet. Jupiter can barely keep his willie in his pants and Uranus totally lives to bring down the high and mighty. 

Drusilla: Anything else?

Mercury: Last year war by twitter, this year social revolution by Facebook.   

Drusilla: Cool. Hey, thanks for the interview!

Mercury: Keep it rockin’, babe.

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Elizabeth Hazel is an astrologer, tarotist, mystic scholar, artist and author, represented here by the fictional Drusilla Bivalve. Her works include the book “Tarot Decoded” and her fabulous original tarot deck, “The Whispering Tarot.” She also writes the Astro-Spell column for Witches and Pagans Magazine. Liz teaches tarot, astrology and pagan ways, and is available for consultations by phone. Contact her through www.kozmic-kitchen.com.