Found Goddesses: Maiden Goddesses (Part 2) by Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D.

Buffy

Goddess of the Gym

Although Witches are said to be “large women in colorful clothing,” the true Inner Witch is a Buffed-Up Enchantress, a Woman Of Mighty Power who can step and stretch and pump and jiggle with the best of them.

All honor, therefore, to Buffy, Girl of the Golden Gym, vigorous Goddess of toned muscles and firm body. Buffy keeps our cardiovascular system revved up and ensures that the makers of leotards and athletic shoes will always have customers. Younger sister to Nike, Goddess of Victory Over Flab, She too exhorts us to “just do it.” Buffy is known for Her enthusiasm. “Go for the burn,” She cries from the front of the room. “No pain, no gain,” She reminds us as we stare into the mirror and wonder who that flushed and trembling woman facing us can possibly be.

All honor and glory to Buffy, whose highest priestess is Jane and whose highest priest is Richard. “Step, kick, bend. Stretch, stretch, stretch. Squeeze those buttocks, tuck that tummy in. Reach for the stars. Step, step, step. Faster, faster, faster!”

For pure vibrant energy and shining utilitarian luxury, Buffy’s Golden Gym rivals the healing temples of old. Let us follow our personal coach, Sadistica, as she gives us a mini tour.

“You start here,” Sadistica tells us as she leads us into the locker room. “Just go ahead and put your clothes in this locker, okay?” She pretends not to notice that our leotard is a bit stretched out and shabby. “The showers are over there, and … oh, yeah, the air conditioning works nearly all the time. Now walk this way.”

She leads us into a silent room filled with elaborate machines of devious torture. “This is the Weight Room,” she continues. “This is the place where the, you know, the Serious Bodybuilders hang? Let me introduce you to our two personal coaches, Testostero and Pheroman. These guys will pump you up so much! All you have to do is, you know, put yourself in their hands.”

Shuddering at the thought, we move on. “This is the Aerobics Room!” Sadistica has to shout over the disco music that makes the room and everything in it ripple with vigor. “Classes every hour on the hour! Stair training! Body parts specials! Endurance and discipline!”

Just as we’re succumbing to total deafness, she leads us into the sauna, where we see beautiful people sweating, then into the massage room, where we see another beautiful person being rubbed and poked and kneaded. “That’s Chirapsia,” our guide whispers. “She’s got the best hands in the world and she knows how to find every chi and nerve in your body.” The beautiful person on the table groans. “You won’t believe how you feel after she’s done working on you.”

We can’t help but agree. With a tiny sigh, Sadistica backs out, closes the door, and leads us to the lounge-snackshop-giftshop. “I just love it here,” Sadistica confesses. “I love the cute little tables and chairs, you know? The velvet pictures and license plate frames we have, you know, for sale? The smoothies and shakes and granola? But mostly I love the, you know, the people you can meet here. They’re all so fit. They’re so rad. So gorgeous. You can meet everyone you ever want to, you know, know here.”

Yes, indeed, it must be time to shape up. It must be time to meet new people. All honor and all that jazz to Buffy, Goddess of the Golden Gym, Goddess of the Buffed-Up Body, Goddess of Glorious Health.

Buffy rules!

Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D. (www.barbaraardinger.com), is the author of Pagan Every Day: Finding the Extraordinary in Our Ordinary Lives (RedWheel/Weiser, 2006), a unique daybook of daily meditations, stories, and activities. Her earlier books are Finding New Goddesses, Quicksilver Moon, Goddess Meditations, and Practicing the Presence of the Goddess. Her day job is freelance editing for people who don't want to embarrass themselves in print. Barbara lives in southern California. To purchase a signed copy of Finding New Goddesses, just send Barbara an email at bawriting@earthlink.net.