Sexuality and the Sacred by Bendis

Beltane is all about fertility and its counterpart, sexuality!  It is a time of play, fun-filled ripening and joyous abandon.  In ancient times it was the time the future king joined with the Goddess of the Land, for without union with her, he could not be king.

Couples went out into the fields and blessed the fertile earth with their lovemaking.  Folk danced the Maypole in symbolic rite of the joining of male and female in procreation. 

In the Charge of the Goddess, we are told, "All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals."  With this one statement it is made clear that pagans embrace sexuality as sacred and not something given to us only for procreation.  We are to enjoy, to embrace, and to make joyous these acts of love and pleasure.

But as with all that we do, also comes personal responsibility.  We see in the news about the abuse of power in the use of sex, especially underage minors.  The Catholic Church has long been under attack for the acts of some of the priests.  Pagans, as well, can be included in this form of abuse, and not just with minors. 

I have very strong feelings about where sex belongs and where it doesn't.  I confess, I have been present in Beltane rites where actual sexual intercourse did take place within our Circle with all present - once.  After that, while it was, clearly a sacred act, it seemed to work better for me for it to be symbolic.  The sex was consensual with the couple agreeing to offer it for the ritual.  It was not necessarily consensual for the participants as no one knew it was going to happen.  The couple were shielded from actual viewing and were to have been further shielded by several women wearing long cloaks who were to hold up their joined hands and keep any viewing carefully shielded.  However, the HPS did not give clear directions and the priestesses with the cloaks actually were facing the couple instead of facing away and, well, we had to stand there and watch.  I much prefer the "allure" of something rather than stark reality! 

I don't think the performance of the act was a negative thing, for surely it was in keeping with Beltane.  I just (and this is my opinion) feel that intimate love-making is a private thing.  I attended one Beltane ritual where a sacred dance was performed and it was suggestive and alluring and totally in keeping with sacred sexuality of Beltane.  No one was embarrassed and all were enticed. 

Making love is such a sacred act.  Even if the parties are not "in love" what they share with each other is sacred.  When those involved give and receive pleasure fully, it requires a deep and open intimacy and level of vulnerability.  Without those things, it is more a copulating, taking of what one wants. 

I had a conversation one time, that completely horrified me.  I was sitting in my store talking with a local Priest.  We were discussing the training of priests.  He made a statement, "I would never accept a gay man as a student for becoming a priest."  I asked him, "Why not?"  He replied, "Because he could not ever make a priestess."  I had to halt all processes right then and there and then after a period of silence, burst out, "What?"  He went on to explain that a woman could only become a high priestess (in his tradition) if she had sex with the high priest, that it was this act with him that made her a priestess. 

Now, I hope I don't offend, but this is the most ridiculous idea of how a woman becomes a priestess .  I get that sacred sex can represent the union of a god and goddess, but I have very different ideas about the "Great Rite."  For as She also says to us in the Charge of the Star Goddess, "That, if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee, thou wilt never find it without thee." 

The Great Rite is about wholeness within ourselves.  It is a part of emotional maturation.  As we study and learn and grow on our spiritual journeys, we are actually merging all the many facets of our being into a beautiful whole, that when we are infused with the Divine, become One With Her - we become one with All and immersed in the Light - that is the rite we all seek in our claiming of Her.  We don't stay there, certainly, but continue to embrace it when it comes.  It can come in many ways and yes, during  acts of love and pleasure, it comes as well.  Every facet of making love is sacred.  Giving pleasure to another, receiving pleasure from another, joining in that process, whether male and female, male and male, or female and female - all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals. 

However, when you begin to mix your roles in another's life, it gets tricky.  I had a young man that I worked with at one time, who was training to become a priest.  He was married but had an open marriage.  Anytime we were in more social settings, gatherings, public rituals, he would be on the prowl.  He was a cute guy and girls (especially the younger ones) flocked to him.  In the process of meeting these young women, he flirted shamelessly - came on to them,  engaged them, and then conversation would turn to spirituality.  At that point he often wanted to take them under his wing as students but at the same time explore a sexual relationship with them.  I don't know how many times I had to counsel him on the mixed signals he was putting out to these young women.  Over and over, I had to stress that when meeting a young woman and knowing she was new to paganism and "seeking", he needed to decide if he was a priest or just a guy looking for a good time.  One or the other. 

No matter how egalitarian you are, when you are in a teacher/pupil relationship the teacher is in control.  You have something the other wants and for them to get it - they have rules to follow, things they must accomplish.  If you are also involved in a sexual relationship, the emotions involved are quite different and the student could very well end up exploited, emotionally hurt and quite frankly, spiritually hurt. 

I once taught a basic Wicca 101 class out of my store.  While it was a public class that people paid to attend and they were not technically those under my own spiritual guidance I felt it necessary to maintain student/teacher relationships even though there happened to be one I was very interested in.  I had to be very careful with any signals I might send out while the student was in that class.  Once the class had come to an end, we had become fairly good friends but had not come close to anything leading to physical intimacy.  This person wanted to continue studying with me privately.  The relationship would change because if they came into my tradition and my coven, I would then truly be clergy.  I had to tell that person that I was far too interested sexually to become the teacher.  We did date for awhile and it did not end well. I have always been grateful that we did not share coven space. 

Sex is private.  Yes, it is sacred, but does not need to happen with others present, nor should it ever be required in spiritual training.  Again I refer to the traditions where priests "make" priestesses by having sex with them!  I find this incredibly alarming and frankly, should be illegal!  Talk about hidden messages and coercion. 

As spiritual leaders we need to be very careful about the multiple roles possible between us and those we serve.  For being clergy/teachers we do hold a position of power and to bring sex into the mix, creates an unspoken threat and "condition" that is unfair and carries with it, the potential of great harm.   

One of the most delightful moments in my life happened bright and early on a Beltane Morn.  We had been celebrating all weekend at an outdoor event filled with music.  Many different musicians had come to perform.  There was a theatrical performance and we topped it off with a rousing Maypole dance.  My partner and I spent the night in our tent continuing our play privately.  When I awoke the next morning, I stepped out of our tent to an incredible sight!  All across the rolling hills before me, the landscape was dotted with sleeping couples!  Folks had gone out into the fields to give their sacred energy to the Mother, making love and then sleeping upon Her fertile soil.  

Let us celebrate in joy and abandon our sacred selves, with those we chose, who come to us willing for shared pleasure.  May our bodies become instruments of great joy in the giving and receiving of each other in this sacred play. 

About Bendis - Deanne Quarrie 

Bendis is an Ordained High Priestess of The Goddess, and author of four books. Deanne is the founder of Global Goddess, a worldwide organization open to all women who honor some form of the divine feminine.  She is also the founder of The Apple Branch - A Dianic Tradition where she mentors women who wish to serve as priestesses. Through the years Deanne has organized many women’s festivals and seasonal celebrations.  She has taught workshops and formed groups of women to honor the age-old tradition of women coming together, doing work with their hands and sharing stories with each other.  She currently teaches through the Apple Branch, The Rowan Tree School,  and Ocean Seminary College.

Deanne's books are available at Amazon.