Note. The term Found Goddess was created by Morgan Grey and Julia Penelope for their wonderful book, Found Goddesses: Asphalta to Viscera (New Victoria Publishers, 1980).I started Finding goddesses - Nerdix, Compuquia, Hostilia, and Whizziwig - when I was working on a Y2K project for a major corporation. I found the other goddesses described here when I was writing a book on the subject, Finding New Goddesses (ECW Press, 2003). The newest goddesses are Fubar-Ma and Linker Bell, who have just now appeared. Well, maybe they've been standing around and/or hovering; I just got them down on paper.
The Computer Goddesses
Who doesn't get spammed now and then? How impolite. How untidy. How vexing. To whom do we turn when our e-mail becomes bloated and turgid? Dot Compost, that's who. It's Dot Compost to the rescue! Visualize Her as a Pythonesque goddess, bothersome (and effective) as all get-out. "Spam spam spam spam spam," She chants, dancing merrily upon the offending messages. "Spam spam spam spam spam," She shouts, stomping them into oblivion. "Spam spam spam spam spam," She yodels, turning every bit of spam into what it really is. Merde. Excrement. Fertilizer. Sing along with Dot Compost. Let your fingers do the dancing. "Spam delete spam delete spam delete spam delete spam spam SPAM!"
Beloved by millions is Pornie, Goddess of Way Too Many Web Sites, Beguiler of the Unwary Doing Research on the Net, and Champion of Free Expression. Pornie stands (or lies or bounces) for the ability of every adolescent boy (no matter what his age) to be as creative as he wants to be. She is the archiver of countless pictures of gymnasty togetherness and librarian of encounters that would make Jerry Springer blush. Her motto is "Wow, ya gotta see this." But do not tell anyone to shun Pornie. Do not chip away at Her license. Do not --above all-- do not attempt to Censor Her, for Pornie Supports Our God-Given Right To Unfettered Expression, and even one tiny law against Her is the first awful step along the road to constriction, restriction, degradation, and debauchery. Oh no, my friends, tie Pornie up (or tie Her down), and we'll have trouble, not only in River City but all the way to the front and back seat of government.
An invasive menace in this modern world is the computer virus. It seems as if there's a new one every week. But fear not. Nerdix and Compuquia have a Sister Whose province it is to protect us and our systems. This Fearless Found Goddess is Pimpernella, the Scarlet Warrior Who shields us against snakes, poisons, wild beasts, terrors, negative spirits, the evil eye, and, yes, bugs and viruses. She also, it is said, restores lost memory (1). Instead of invoking Pimpernella, we cheer Her on:
Two, four, six, eight,
Who do we appreciate?
Pimpernella, Pimpernella -
Get that virus outta there!
Yay!!
From far, far away comes Cyberia, from that barren and lonely land where sites errant are exiled into cold storage until they have been examined and deemed useful comes the Goddess of the Download. Even when She comes out, however, She is ever-rebellious and full of tricks with Her clicks. Though devotees of Nerdix are comfortable with Her, She enjoys messing with the minds of the devotees of Compuquia.
Reader, are you in the habit of downloading? Do you do this alone in your room? What form(at) does your downloading take? How long does it take for you to fill up your files? Does your mother know what you're doing?
Like another popular visitor from the colder climes, Cyberia keeps lists: She knows who's been naughty and who's been nice. And like that other visitor, She Brings Gifts. If you know how to download -- how to properly select and click and (occasionally) drag -- you can get virtually anything from Cyberia, for when She deigns to do so, this loving and generous goddess will bring you games and treats and applications to titillate your every fancy. She'll grant your every wish and give you the Great Freebie you only ever dreamed about. Over and over and over and over and over. With all your Windows open and your menus pulled way down. Oh, joy! Oh, Goddess, yes! Yes, yes, YESSSSSSS. OhhhhhHHHHHhhhh, oh, yes, that was good. Thank you, Cyberia, for that majorly awesome download.
Barbara Ardinger, Ph.D. is the author of Pagan Every Day: Finding the Extraordinary in Our Ordinary Lives (RedWheel/Weiser, 2006), a unique daybook of daily meditations, stories, and activities. Her earlier books are Finding New Goddesses, Quicksilver Moon, Goddess Meditations, and Practicing the Presence of the Goddess. Her day job is freelance editing for people who don't want to embarrass themselves in print. Barbara lives in southern California. To purchase a signed copy of Finding New Goddesses, just send Barbara an email at bawriting@earthlink.net.
1 - See Scott Cunningham, Cunningham's Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs (St. Paul: Llewellyn, 1985), pp. 176-77.